What About LGBTQ+ Sex?
The lack of heteronormative scripts applies to sex, too. According to sex and relationship coach Rachel Rose, “This is the absolute best part about queer sex – it works however the people involved want it to. There’s far [fewer] expectations or examples of what queer sex ‘should’ look like, so the conversations about who’s into what tend to be more built-in. ”
Again, this uncertainty is a good thing. It’s normal not to know exactly what you want sex to look or feel like. In fact, I’ve heard from countless coaching clients that they’re afraid of entering a sexual situation without knowing what to do. But knowing what to do was always an illusion. The skills you need for good sex are communication-based, like active listening and empathy. And as always, trust your gut.
As long as everyone involved is into it, [sex] can be whatever you want it to be
One of the most misleading ideas about LGBTQ+ sex is that if you’re playing with someone who has the same body parts you do, you’ll automatically know how they like to be touched. But everybody is different and there are no universal preferences. So no matter the gender or genitals of the person you’re going to play with, it’s important to talk to them about what they enjoy long before clothes start to come off. White also emphasizes the importance of having conversations in advance: “Sex starts before it gets to the bedroom.”
Another concern I often hear from have a glimpse at this link folks is that they’re afraid of not liking sex once it starts. And that’s a concern you should feel safe sharing with potential partners. “Vulnerability is hot, and bringing up your concerns gives the other person a chance to bring up anything they want to mention, too,” Rose says. “If you get to a point where you’re uncomfortable, you can always stop things, either for a pause to talk or take a moment or for good. Consent can be revoked at any time, for any reason.”
If you’re entering the LGBTQ+ dating world after coming out, know that this advice applies to everything – not just sex. You can change your mind about dating someone, even mid-date. You can change your mind about what you’re into or what you want to try. Having permission to change your mind can make it safer – and more fun – to try new things.
So go ahead; the world is your 31 Flavors, and you can use as many taster spoons as you want.
Maybe you feel ready and eager to date – that’s OK too! There’s no required waiting period between coming out and going out. Feel free to test the waters and see what feels good to you. If you find yourself having fun, great! Keep going. And if you ever need to slow down or hit the breaks entirely, that’s always an option – even in the middle of a date.
In that instance, I was lucky. But it’s still important to take safety into consideration when planning a date. How do you do that?
Once you’re out, though, dating dynamics change pretty drastically. While it may be jarring at first, one of the benefits of LGBTQ+ dating is that not being able to rely on heteronormative scripts and assumptions means you talk about everything. From choosing the first date location to deciding who pays the tab, expect an open conversation. Or better yet, start the conversation yourself. (This is another great opportunity to use the “I’m new here” card.)
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